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21 reasons your date never showed up.
It’s happened to us all.
You travel all the way across town, hover hopefully by the Notting Hill Gate barriers or the door of Costa, and wait.
Fifteen minutes later you give up the ghost, buy a chocolate brownie to go, and trudge despondently home.
But why didn’t your (these days probably internet) date show up? Here’s some possibilities.
1. You said you are 6ft 4. You are actually 4ft 6.
2. You have eaten a LOT of family sized bars of Galaxy since that photo.
3. That guy who looks like Channing Tatum finally replied to their Tinder message and, even though he’s clearly more interested in sending dick pics than becoming their future husband and has the IQ of a cake fork, did I mention he looks like Channing Tatum?
4. That girl who looks like Kelly Brook finally replied to their message and, even though she has the cold, dead eyes of a serial killer and says she believes a reptilian alien race are secretly running the world, did I mention she looks like Kelly Brook?
5. They’re not really a date, they’re Steve from IT who you once shouted at for taking 2 1/2 hours to unsuccessfully adjust your Outlook settings.
6. They’re not really a date, they’re really a 13-year-old girl who, in an attempt to make up for her crushing lack of playground popularity, has taken to stealing strangers’ Facebook photos and creating elaborate online dating profiles called Chad, Oprah and Maud
7. They took one look at you and realised you were so out of their league that, if you agreed to be their girlfriend, people would forever mentally brand them ‘the ugly one’.
8. They took one look at you and were so blinded by your beauty they fell down the escalators at Waterloo and are currently in intensive care.
9. Your vintage shoes reminded them of their now dead uncle who touched them inappropriately when they were six
10. They took one look at you, stepped out carelessly into the road and were flattened, Mean Girls-style.
11. Despite your regular online chats they haven’t mentioned the fact they are too scared to leave the house and haven’t done so in 12 years.
12. Despite your regular online chats they haven’t mentioned the fact they have a crippling fear of Cafe Nero due to a traumatising childhood incident involving a milk frother.
13. They are a workaholic and arrived 45 minutes late, by which time you had turned off your phone and gone home.
14. They are not a telemarketer from Hackney called Dave. They are a CIA agent called Juan, called away on a last-minute mission to save the president.
15. He was going to come, but then he remembered Arsenal were playing Chelsea.
16. She was going to come, but then her best friend rang to say her fiancé’s run off with the man on the Morrison’s fish counter and she had to deal with the emotional fallout.
17. He was going to come but then he played FIFA 15 instead.
18. She was going to come but she went home after work to change, sat down on her bed and fell asleep.
19. She took one look at you and decided she’d rather spend another evening eating Doritos and watching SATC than make exhausting small talk with someone too cheap to bring flowers.
20. He took one look at your jumper neckline and judged there was more chance of getting lucky in the ‘Spoonies next door.
21. They died. Like that time Miranda’s did…
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